I can’t understand what is going on. Recently, he has been entering my mind more that I’d like to admit. It’s already been four years and he is coming back to me now? Is it because I’m lonely? Even though I have no right to feel that way with so many people surrounding me, it’s the only way I can describe it. I can’t be myself with anyone, not with the ‘close’ friends I’ve created at my new school, not my friends from my old high school, not even my closest friend, now! My closest friend has been my source of relief, since I feel I have a connection with her, but… Even that bond feels like it is becoming distant, in a way. I know full well that I a the one who is doing this to myself.
Anyway, I’m thinking about him more and more and, even worse, missing him. How can I miss love that was never there to begin with? He lied to me, and about the most important, to boot. His “I love you”s were completely fake, but I yearn for them anyway. Had my love for him really faded, like I thought if had? Or was the love there the entire time? I remember comparing him to the boyfriend I had in grade nine, and the more recent ‘crush’. Do I miss him or being loved by a man?
I don’t know what to do with this feeling of loneliness. Do I talk to someone about it or do I just close up like a clam, again? I don’t want to be lonely, but I don’t trust people either.
The want for him has grown so bad that I regretted deleting all of the emails we sent to each other during that eventful year. I want to read them and now realize why I deleted them when I did: I knew I would continue loving him and would only hurt myself with the many emails that we sent. Still, I can’t help but wish I could get them back and be able to clearly remember him; his personality and his words that never cease to strike me. Is it wrong for me to still love him, after everything he did to me and after this four year period? Of course it is, I should be over it, I should be like any other girl and completely forget his name after a year, even! I know he was my first love, and I know that he was my first ‘boyfriend’, if you would call him that, but I’ll never be able ti have a real relationship if I don’t give up on him now! He’s probably had numerous girlfriends by now, completely forgetting about me. So why can’t I do the same and simply forget him and everything that came with him?!
It would be so much easier if I could just hate him, but I can’t. No matter what his true intentions were, he always made me feel truly loved. I suppose I should be saying something different entirely.
Thank you. And damn you.
The Moonlight's Glow... 